Yahoo Lifestyle 
Expert: How to cope with Christmas after losing a loved one
Christmas looks a little different for a lot of people in 2020, with the pandemic seeing celebrations and gatherings still limited, and many left more alone than on a typical Christmas Day.
For many people, Christmas will also be a little different after losing a loved one, as it always is, particularly the first year.
While the shops light up, carols play and people gear up to celebrate, it can be difficult for those coming to terms with loss to know how to approach the holiday season.
Aussie service GriefLine provides free telephone counselling services and support to anyone experiencing grief, loss or trauma across Australia wide, and they say demand for their service has never been as high as in 2020.
RELATED:
'I was homeless at 12': The Voice's Siala reveals childhood battle
The common women's health issue you've probably never heard of
During COVID and lockdowns, the service reported a staggering 1100% increase in calls, a spike they are anticipating again over Christmas time after a particularly tough year for Aussies.
“Between the bushfires and COVID many people in the communities, rural, remote and metropolitan, are for perhaps the first time, understanding the impact of loss across multiple levels and areas of their life,” Sarah Godfrey who is the Board Co-Chair of GriefLine tells Yahoo Lifestyle.
“Isolation and loneliness triggered by physical distancing has exacerbated the loss, with more people finding they have a lot of time to reflect, think and ruminate over the people, pets, jobs or communities that normally support them and now appear to be gone.”
GriefLine anticipates around 3500 calls will come in this December, compared to last year which saw just 382 calls.
The staggering jump in volume means getting on the phone with a counsellor can be tricky, with no government funding to cover extra staff members.
They advise those who can’t get through to jump onto the online support forums they have set up to respond to the demand, and below Sarah shares her top pieces of advice for getting through the holiday as you navigate the loss of a loved one.
How to cope at Christmas after loss
Don’t shy away from remembering
Sarah advises those grieving to ‘celebrate the life, not the loss’ of their loved ones around the holiday period, encouraging them to ‘lean in’ to remembering the happy times.
“Take time to note the person's absence with the family as a group,” she advises, adding: “Be fearless to show that person was loved and now missed.”
It can often be easy to pretend a painful feeling or memory isn’t there, but she says the period will be far easier if you acknowledge the difficulty.
Make new traditions
Perhaps the hardest part of celebrating Christmas without a loved one for the first time is the gaping hole where your traditions used to live.
Whether it was a dish they made, or an activity you shared, Sarah advises acknowledging the change in the tradition, and suggest building a new one around their memory to replace it.
“Develop new traditions and allow the change to occur such as light a candle, have a photo close by, talk about them and have their memory present on the day,” she advises.
“Plan an activity your loved one would enjoy as a tribute to their humour, fun or reflective of their personality (for example Play Monopoly, go for a walk, tell jokes, watch a favourite Christmas special or movie).”
Group support
Nothing is as important as feeling supported while grieving, and Sarah recommends that a lot of talking and shared experience will ease the difficulty of Christmas Day.
“Support each other and allow the unique experience of loss to be expressed without judgement,” she advises. “Everyone will mourn differently.”
“Talk to each other.”
Focus on who is there
While struggling, it can be hard to focus on the positives as they don’t overwhelm us in the same way negative feelings like loss and sadness can.
Wherever possible, however, Sarah says it’s vital to try and acknowledge the people who are present and to remember to feel their love.
“Focus on who is present and enjoy the love and support around you,” she advises.
Focus on your wellness
Perhaps the most important advice is the most basic – remember to take care of yourself.
“It can be exhausting to find the physical and emotional energy to participate in the activities around Christmas and the organisation,” Sarah points out.
Taking care of yourself can be hard to do at Christmas sometimes, between indulgent eating, drinking and late nights.
It’s important to take Christmas at your pace when you're dealing with the loss of a loved one, and say no to that party, or decline that dinner invitation if it all becomes too much.
“Practise self-care, eat well, exercise, meditate and sleep,” Sarah advises
Supporting someone who is grieving during the holidays
So, what if the person who is grieving is not you, but someone close to you?
Knowing how to support them, or what boundaries they might want to be respected can be very tricky, particularly at the ultra-sensitive holiday time.
Sarah advises a few key words and phrases to bear in mind when it comes to supporting a grieving loved one.
Listen: “Create a space to listen and hear what is being said, even if it is hard to hear.”
Talk: “Allow the person time to talk.”
Acknowledge: “Acknowledge to yourself that each griever’s experience will be unique and may be very different to yours.”
Judgment-free: “Do remember that nobody has to justify their feelings. Although, your feelings may differ, do your best to hold a non-judgement space for the other person.”
No censorship: “Don’t prevent the person from expressing their guilt, regret, anger or any other feelings, which may come up for the person experiencing loss or grief.”
Emotion: “Support the person to express emotion and allow them to work through their grief.”
Time: “Allow the person time to grieve. Everyone grieves in a different way and with their own time frame. For one person, they may appear to have worked their grief through in a month or so, for other people it may take much more time than this or less than this.”
Check in: “Check in with the person regularly to see how they are going.”
Support: “Support children to share their grief and loss with the adults they trust and with their friends.”
Never miss a thing. Sign up to Yahoo Lifestyle’s daily newsletter.
Or if you have a story idea, email us at lifestyle.tips@verizonmedia.com.
